It’s the Census, not the freaking SATs!

It’s bad enough the dreaded tax season is here with endless forms most humans can’t comprehend. Now we have the Census to consider. And the government, like the nervous parent of a soon-to-be-college kid, wants us to be ready for it.

For the last several weeks, TV ads have been running in my part of the world telling me that if I’m a good American, I need to fill out the census form and mail it (the spot wants to make doubly certain every viewer remembers to do the mailing part). If I don’t comply, my community might not get the funds it needs.

Really. How about saving the millions it took to create these silly commercials and use a bit of the money instead to fix the streets in my neighborhood? For years, the asphalt’s resembled the moon’s surface. I’ve lost more than one tire to potholes as deep as bathtubs.

Think the finished census will have anything to do with getting this fixed?

Me either. But as the ads say – it’s coming!

And what do you know, over the weekend, I got a mailing from the Census Bureau. I thought: okay, it’s here, I’ll fill it out and be done with it.

As if. The mailing was actually an announcement that I would soon be getting the census form. Good God. They wasted how many tax dollars to print zillions of these announcements and mail them to recipients, telling them to wait for something the news outlets have been reporting for weeks, along with those TV spots?

What next? A personal visit from a census official telling me to be certain to pick up my mail in the coming week so I’m sure to get the form?

And what happens when I do? My guess is the detailed instructions will be longer than the form itself and may go something like this:

1. Fill out the form.
2. Make certain you use ink, not pencil, to fill out the form.
3. Ink pens can be purchased at any office supply store and at most variety stores.
4. If you cannot find an ink pen or cannot afford to purchase an ink pen, please contact your local government to borrow an ink pen.
5. Do not erase anything on the form, especially if you use ink.
6. If you must erase, use an ink eraser not a pencil eraser.
7. Answer all ten questions.
8. The order in which you answer the questions does not matter.
9. If you answer question #4 first and continue to question #10, be certain to go to the top of the form and then answer questions #1-3.
10. Once the questions are answered be certain to prepare the form for mailing.
11. Fold the form over three times – not two – so that it fits within the envelope.
12. Be certain the envelope is opened when you put the form inside.
13. Watch your fingers so you don’t get a paper cut.
14. If you do get a paper cut, the Census Bureau takes no responsibility.
15. However, visit your ER immediately to stop the bleeding and to get a tetanus shot.
16. Do NOT include the ER bill with your census form.
17. Before you lower the envelope’s flap be certain to lick it, then press down firmly so the envelope is sealed. (Visual instructions are available at our website: www.ucount.com)
18. Do NOT cut your tongue on the envelope flap when you lick it.
19. If you do cut your tongue, the Census Bureau takes no responsibility.
20. However, visit your ER immediately to. . .

Oh well, you know.

Related posts:

1. Will this freaking census never end??